3/23/2011

Blehs and Baggage

You ever have one of them weeks where it's just bleh?  I wouldn't say I had a bad spring break, but that there were pockets of distinct blehs. The girls were sick throughout spring break and my youngest's missed the first two days back to school this week; she feels fine, but she has a rash from the virus that lingers, so she toodled off to to work with me. She's dressed and ready for school today, but she's fallen asleep again, lying on the couch, and I'm reluctant to disturb her until there's absolutely no choice. We may attain meltdown state when I do wake her, but she needs to go to school, and I need to go to work, and she's not sick, so we'll face the meltdown if it comes.

It's funny how things that were issues with your other children can cloud your perceptions. Bobby was a nightmare to wake up; we avoided it at all costs. He'd scream for hours nonstop if awakened and when he could crawl, if you woke him up, he'd scream and crawl to a wall and headbang. It was godawful. Rosie's never been that bad. We'll get tears and whining, and it won't be pleasant, but it won't be godawful. And truth be told, even though there's a part of me that still clenches, tightens up in anticipation of a Bobby moment, it's been more than a decade plus since Bobby's done that. I'm still wired to react to it, to anticipate it. I'm still conditioned, set to respond to a stimulus I fear, but a stimulus that never comes.

In other words, I've got baggage, baggage that accompanies me with each child, even though it's not related to that child. It's not just as a parent, though. Each class conditions me, and I carry that baggage into other classes whether it applies or not. Every situation I face that's similar to one in the past will mean that baggage is there, too, even if it doesn't apply. And it's not a conscious thing; none of us consciously choose to bring all that weight, all those issues, all those experiences into each new one. We do it because we're wired that way, always ready to use what we've previously learned, ready to avoid the pitfalls, the perils, and I suppose, the Penelope Pitstops, too. It doesn't always work, and sometimes it causes bigger messes than if we'd left all that baggage in the past.

So does my internal cringe anticipating Bobby-sized meltdowns coming from my sleeping Rosie ring true, or do my experiences with Rosie? As I've written this, worked through some of the bleh I'm feeling, we've awakened Rosie, prompted her to go over to the table to eat breakfast, which she did crying and towing her blanket along. She got over there, decided she hadn't asked for what was there (she eats the same thing each morning), and she's back on the couch, blanket pulled overhead, asleep again. We've still got thirty minutes before we have to walk out the door, so we'll keep working at her, working at chasing the blehs away, and working at leaving the baggage at the door.

5 comments:

Diane said...

I know what you mean about baggage. I find myself getting all revved up sometimes without even realizing why until I take some time to think. Most of the time the thinking doesn't happen until much later, when I've already shut down in self-defense against something that hasn't actually taken place - at least not on this particular day.

I don't know what to do about my automatic responses, but thinking through what's happening and why at least gives me the option of heading in a different direction once I see that I've turned onto a path I didn't enjoy the first time around.

I hope the rest of the morning works out OK.

jazzygal said...

Oh I so know that feeling Kim! It used to be like that for me when I anticipated getting my WiiBoy to leave an activity he was enjoying and go out some place, even if that was another enjoyable activity. Same for the return trip. Oh and I always felt like that coming up to meal times knowing he wouldn't eat.

They do pick up on our anxieties though.... sigh!

Hope Rosie is better today :-)

xx Jazzy

farmwifetwo said...

The power went out at 9 for about 20min. The power went out at 1:30 - after 4 flickers - for about the same. Youngest melts b/c he can. The elder that use to melt does the "I'm the adult" routine which is actually as much or more annoying.... Then the Father remembers he's the Father - which of course he knows all b/c he's never attended the appts nor read anything... This morning I very nearly put on my snow stuff and left... freezing rain and all.

Sigh.... Hope yours is going better. Dh and eldest went outside... eldest just came back inside, but the hour of quiet was nice.

Buttons... I don't have any buttons to be pushed :) :) :)

Actually my biggest is when someone says "I don't know how you do it?" And for some reason they think you have all the answers, patience, an intuitive understanding of autism. I don't think they'd like it if we every admitted to being human not saints.....

KWombles said...

Thanks, Diane, Jazzygal and farmwifetwo.

The morning went fairly well once we got her fully up. I'm relieved we had an extra hour this morning to make it happen since Rick drove them this morning. Tomorrow she'll have to be up and on the bus at 6:30.

It's comforting to know that others share similar journeys, although smoother rides is something I'd wish for all. :-) I'm always relieved when the kids somehow exceed my expectations, outgrow a way of being, leaving me in the past wondering when that leap of growth occurred. It's a reminder that even when change is slow, it does occur.

A few years ago, I'd have been amazed to think of the things Bobby can now do. And I have a feeling I'll be just as surprised a few years down the road. Maybe I'll even have a little less baggage with me. :-)

farmwifetwo said...

Yesterday afternoon we did some writing with Writing w/ symbols and I'm currently cursing myself for letting him do it on their old computer... I can't get it off of it.

Yes, I led some of the writing by asking questions. Some of the answers I didn't anticipate but didn't correct. It was his writing afterall and I was amazed at the amount I got just by letting him type whatever he wanted. I expect it to be a battle, we weren't at school, and just how much do they actually do for him...

My expectations were low.... and to my surprise I was amazed at the expressive language that he told me/wrote.

Things change, every day.