Early Morning Dragging? Never Fear Mercola is Here

It's 0 dark early. Okay, so it's 5:30. It's still early. I'm tired. I walked into two separate walls this morning on the way to the bathroom; my vision is still foggy and I've been up 20 minutes. So I'm checking my email, thinking of all the things I have to do to get the girls and my boy up and moving and hoping Rick will take care of it all. A girl can hope, right? Blogs don't write themselves, do they? No, they don't. Nope, nope, nope (remember all those dinosaur movies with Stanley, Petrie, et al? which one said nope, nope, nope?).

Anyway, here I am. I ache. I hurt, I can't walk straight, and I can't see well. I make it to my recliner and start my heating and massaging pad on my back while I look with one eye to see what emails have come in and what new posts have gone up. I slurp coffee. And I get this beauty of an email from Mercola: "The Missing Ingredient for Long-Lasting Energy and Focus for School (or Work)*." Holyfrakamoly, there you go. It's exactly what I've been looking for.

Thank gods, right? I bet he's got something for walking into walls, too? I click right on over and immediately, even before I can see through the blur, his voice sounds in my ears, scaring the crap out of me. Okay, being startled does clear the vision some, and he did that for free for me. How's he gonna give me energy and focus? I'm dying to know, and still hoping for something for the fact that I walk like I'm 80 in the morning.

Mercola is going to fix me up and boost my immune system. Oh, he's going to make me sicker than crap. Yeah, that will boost my immune system. He wants me to put raw eggs into a mason jar? Maybe then I throw the mason jar away? Because, seriously, after the massive egg recall of the past week, recommending people eat raw eggs makes you a dumbass.

Nope, nope, nope. He doesn't want us to throw the eggs away. He wants us to add a crapload of miracle whey with an herbal sweetener (I bet you can buy it from him). Then you add a special fiber powder (that doesn't have pesticides)  and some coconut milk.  Oh, and then add raw milk. You got it. It'll boost your immune system for sure.

If  you read through his thing following his demonstration of how to make you sick as a dog, you'll see that this breakfast not only will make you sick, you can buy his whey for the low price of 3 bucks a serving. I guarantee you, I'll  head right on over to his store and order a six pack of his whey with death breakfast for the low low price of 129 bucks. I'll have to supply my own death kit of raw eggs and raw milk. I'm betting, though, Thelma will kick in some Wild Turkey if I decide commit suicide by raw eggs and miracle whey.


Emily said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emily said...

Just went to Mercola's site to read about the world's most expensive honey, which is simultaneously nature's most perfect food and also must be limited to 1 tsp a day...and I was on a page running a Mercola vid (w/ the sound turned down) in which he's gesticulating wildly and using his eyebrows in ways heretofore unknown to humankind and TH, who was practicing his multiplication flashcards looked up and asked, "Who is that crazy-looking bald guy?!?"

Roger Kulp said...

"Slim down with this amazing discovery!


"Comes in six flavors!
Nourished by NutraFlora® !
Survives stomach acid!"

Wooey,gooey, whey-ey goodness.

Sirenity said...

For the love of... woo.
At least Mercola is still good entertainment value.

kathleen said...

Sounds like he lost his..uhh..WHEY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry..couldn't help it. ;0

word verification is -asico..hee.

Squillo said...

Dr. M also recommends raw milk for infants who can't breastfeed.

He would be a clown if it weren't for the fact that his advice has the potential to kill children whose only crime is to be born to gullible parents.