A T and L Interlude: Trussie Bigelow

Trussie Bigelow: Bigger Than His Britches and About More Than Stink Creek Can Stand (and that's sayin alot)

Thelma here. Shew, it's hot here and tempers are a'flarin, sweat's a drippin and the lemonade's got more than sour to it, if ya ken me. Well, last time we spoke, it was to share Daddy Sore-Bottom's story with you. He's been on up there with the Sisters and Milo T. Luther and Larinda wander up to help with the groundskeeping and the chicken coops they convinced the Sisters to set up, so fresh eggs could be purchased at the Sister's Subway.

Things were almost quiet for a week, and then my nemesis Edna Huggabut got a wild hare up her large arse and decided that the town statue honoring the founders (two thieves and their women of ill repute) weren't proper for the town square. She hired Stink Creek's one lawyer, Trussie Bigelow, to charge into the town meeting and demand the statue be moved out of sight from our local K-12 school and the nearest church, Church and Bar of the Holy Spirit and Spirits, pastored by Reverend Porter and led by Euvula in glorious hymns. Edna wanted that statue hauled outa town proper and over to the Sister's Subway and Gas Station, or the Emporium as it's officially called.

Louise takes over the story tellin-

Now my gal Thelma..well she's what y'all might call "Emotionally charged" an such over this. Ya see, her an Trussie go back a ways. Why back in high school Trussie had his mind set on a courtin our gal. Or so we thought. Boy howdy that boy clung to my gal Thelma like a huckleberry clings to a hound dogs behind! Wadn't nothin she could do ta get rid a him! No matter where she went there he was! School, the library hell! even the ladies room..there wadn't no place sacred! It finally came to a head one night when my gal Thelma caught him in what y'all might call a "compromisin position" He had snuck into her house while she and Mama H were at bingo. They got home an there he was a shimmyin all naked like (cept for a pair a Mama H's panty hose he had squeezed hisself into-the way Thelma tells it he looked like 200 pounds a cottage cheese stuffed inta a 100 pound sack) in front a tha mirror holdin Thelma's racoon yellin "It rubs tha racoon on its skin or it gets tha supp- hose!!" Well Mama H started a wackin him in with her cane..he started a screamin and a runnin tryin ta get away an Thelma's racoon? Well he clung on tighter than than preacher's proctologist with a case a tha runs! By tha time the police showed up and tha dust settled. Trussie was a scratched up blubbery mess. He was taken to over to tha Sister's for some a that "mental healin" an whatnot.. an eventually left town to go to law school. Well... actually he tried "Mime" school first..but he wadn't ever able to work his way out a tha box thing mimes are always makin such a fuss over. We didn't hear hide nor hair a him till his pappy up an died leavin all his worldly goods to Trussie.

Well the day Trussie got back to town there was a celebration. We Stink Creek folks is a forgivin lot an we all wanted ta make him feel right at home. There was fried chicken an fireworks..hell even the "silver foxes" put on a production of "Hair" (in tha nude!) to welcome our boy home. For a time all seemed fine an good. Till my gal Thelma started writin the advice column "Raising Racoons" for the Stink Creek sentinal. Thelma would write an article an Trussie would write a letter to tha editor sayin how wrong she was. Got to a point where no matter what Thelma said or did-Trussie would twist her words an holler bout tha mistakes he thought she was makin. It wadn't too bad till Thelma started gettin recognized by "racoonologists" around tha world. Ya see Trussie thought he was better than my gal Thelma seein as he had one a them "law degrees". He didn't take too kindly to tha recognition she was gettin. So he'd take every opportunity he could ta mess with her. Didn't seem ta bother him none that he was makin a regular ass of hisself. Hell no! He was on a mission! He was gonna bring my gal Thelma down!

So it weren't no suprise when he teamed up with our nemesis Edna to try an haul the town statue away! He was tryin ta convince folks that the statue was somethin we shouldn't be proud of..that we needed ta hide it away..mayhaps cover it up. That Stink Creeks roots was shameful!!
Hells Bells and Elvis shimmied! He raised such a ruckus..wavin his arms an legs..spittle flyin from his already moist fat lips..You'd a thunk he was one a them televangelists..you know the kind.. always yellin bout keepin your hands outta tha cookie jar! Cept a course iffen that "cookie jar" is tha name a one a them transvestite gals who happen ta be workin out a your room at the motel 6! Boy howdy he put on tha show!

Well tha good folks a Stink Creek was done listenin to Trussie at this point! Most folks recognize all that Thelma does for our fair town an they was tired a Trussies underhanded ways. So they got together and decided that Trussie an Edna needed themselves a vacation. The whole town got together and pitched in. We had bake sales, tractor pulls...I even held an "open pole" night down at the VFW!..We raised enough money ta send them away for a time. Least until it cools off. Last we heard they was runnin a "mime camp" for underprivileged carnies down in Snake Gulch. We expect them back at the end of the summer. As always they'll get a good 'ol Stink Creek welcome. We might be a tough bunch a folks but we is forgiving. That's for damn true.


No comments: