4/08/2010

A Thelma Diversion: Luther Gets himself a Roommate at the Sisters

Kim: Finishing up this week's break from regular blog posts, Thelma relates how Nurse Milo T ended up a Luther's roommate. I hope you've enjoyed the break from the heavy stuff and the snarky stuff and found yourself laughing some or at least appreciating the flowers. :-) 


I'll be back sometime tomorrow with a post dealing with something woo, something AoA or something outrageous (or all three). In the meantime, picture me being a proper student and studying for my exam.


Thelma:


You know, Louise and I have been right enough busy with all the happenins here in Stink Creek what with the Spring Festival upon us. Shewey, ifn we'd have known that Edna and Willa were gonna keep buttin in and tellin us how we was doin it wrong, we mighta reconsidered. Last year, Edna and Willa were in charge of the Festival, and they decided that the theme otta be a chick in every pot. They went on out to the nearest chicken farm and got three chicks for every man, woman, and child in the town of Stink Creek. We ain't big, and sure, we're spread out, but when ya get all the kinfolks comin out the woods, we add up, is what I'm sayin. We ended up with over 3,000 baby chicks last Easter weekend, and Edna and Willa had the bright idea that we should dye them damn chicks fluffy pastel colors and then shove em in the plastic eggs the kids like to hunt for. Ya ever tried to shove a little bitty pink pissy chick in a hot pink plastic egg and then tape that puppy shut? I don't recommend it is for damn true. Lord above, drillin the damned airholes bought done busted my elbow up.

For nemeses, Edna and Willa seem to be in our faces all the blessed time. Why just yesterday, Mamma H and the raisin stepped out onto the porch for their postcoital smoke, and Willa jumped out at em. She didn't make it to yellin bully, though, on account of how the raisin had his fly down and the little raisin out front and center to air out. She got to starin at it mid yell and Mamma smacked her with the walker.

Down Willa went and off Willa and I went to the Sisters of Perpetual Agony Hospital and Emporium. Louise was no where to be found and Edna wouldn't answer her cellular for nothin. Willa was bleedin all over my truck and acryin, "Why'd she hit me? What's he do with that thing?"  Landsake, it was a mess. And I left my flask at home, so there I was stuck, sober, with Willa at the emergency room.

It was deserted; no nurse Milo T Peaknuckle in sight. I hollered, but no answer. Willa sat herself in the only chair they got in the waitin room while I wandered down the empty hall lookin for Nurse Milo. The Sisters' business ain't always boomin, if ya know what I mean. Their gas station and subway down at the gates is a much better investment, so all the sisters hang out down there, sittin in the booths and chawin the fat with the passerbys. It beats the hell out of sittin up at the top of the hill listenin to Luther scream on about his chickens. Right now, he's one of the few payin customers they got, and they all know there ain't no fixin him. So, mostly nurse Milo just sits behind his counter admirin the tattoos of the ladies he's met.

So, most the rooms are dark here, at the Sisters, and it's right quiet. Me and Louise make regular visits up here to see Luther and any other unfortunates who get stuck here. They got themselves one doc for the place, but he's near 90 and often dozes in the nursery since it's quiet there, far away from Luther's demand for the chickens. My but you should have seen Luther last year, what with all those chicks in the plastic eggs. He set all 3000 lose before the kiddos ever found em. We had main street plum full of pastel chicks runnin around. He took the ones that survived the parade (not a pretty picture let me tell you) home. Most the folks were right relieved Edna and Willa's plan went awry and they were banned from headin another committee.

Anyways, I kept lookin for nurse Milo, I did, Willa's plaintive utterins jawin in my ears till I was about ready to go back and stitch her the hell up myself. Got closer and closer to the wing with Luther, so as Willa's bitchin lowered, Luther's was acomin up steady, only he weren't alone in there. Now I'd just been out to see him the day before yesterday and he was the only inpatient they had, so when I popped my head into his room, I must confess I was right surprised to see nurse Milo in a hospital gown layin in the bed next to Luther's bed.

"Nurse Milo," I boomed at him. Scared him shitless, I reckon. He looked over at me, one hell of a look in his eye, ya know the one where the person given it to ya is fixin to lose every bit of self he's got left? That one. Luther was screamin on about needin his chickens, where was his chickens, and I reckon nurse Milo mighta rung Luther's neck like a chicken if it weren't for the fact that we had done brought Luther all his stuffed chickens when he first came in. They were lined up around Luther in the bed, beaks out, standing guard.

Milo looked mighty close to losin it all. Ya'll member he's deathly scared of chickens. Them sisters they got wicked senses of humor.

I sat my ample ass down, since nurse Milo was strapped to the bed and not goin anywhere and since I couldn't hear Willa anymore and commenced to visitin. Might as well. Has to be one hell of a story is what I thought to myself to bring Milo into the Sisters as a patient, and to warrant puttin him in with his worst fear, a bunch of chickens and a man who loves em to death, often quite literally.

So, after some convincin that I weren't lettin Milo up till he gave me the goods, Milo filled me in.

See, what happened is this. Milo T fances himself a ladies man, he does, but he rarely has any luck with em. Shame it is, he's a sweet little thing, even if he is a bit high strung. So, usually, he settles for just tattooin the ladies' names on his arms. He don't meet too many, so he's still got some room.

Well, the other night, his luck turned. He was at the Church and Bar of the Holy Spirit and Spirits, drinkin like there weren't no tomorrow when a new woman, in town to visit the kin for our festival walked in. Shewey, he said, she was purty as could be, and fresh. Her name, he said, was Larinda May, and she smelled sweet and had all her original teeth. He offered her a drink, and before he knew it, he was snockered right out of his mind. He woke up in her travel trailer, splayed across her bed and covered with something soft and light. It took him a minute to focus his eyes, so he relates, and clean the fuzz growin off his teeth, to get a sense of his surroundins. Larinda May was nowhere in sight and the trailer was dim, just a faint red glow from the Church and Bar comin in through the windows.

Nurse Milo T says he wished  he'd left the fuzz on his teeth and the sleep in his eyes, cuz the next part of it was terrifyin beyond belief. Seems Miss Larinda May shared Luther's obsession for chickens. In fact, Larinda May is Luther's niece, home to visit and take care of her uncle's chickens while he's in the coop, um the sisters' lovely place. So, nurse Milo sat up, realized he was covered in a blanket made of chicken feathers in a trailer filled to the overflowin with every kind of chicken ya can imagine. Lost it, our boy did and ran shreakin and naked from the trailer into the parkin lot beside the Church and Bar of the Holy Spirit and Spirits. Problem was, Willa was lyin in wait for him, and bless her, she didn't scream bully at him. She screamed chicken. He fainted dead away. And when he woke up, Larinda May was bendin over him here in this bed he's in at the sisters. She promised to take real good care of him.

Well, the only right thing to do was to set nurse Milo T free, let him tend to Willa, and then drive him right on out of the Sisters. I dropped him at the next town over. Mayhaps he'll fair better there.

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