Century Plant

"Don't Worry": When the Real Risk is Slim But Your Body Rejects the Logic

"Approximately 1 in 10 women will be called back for further examination after a screening mammogram.
Don’t worry—the fact that you require additional imaging does not mean you have cancer. Most abnormalities found during a mammogram are not breast cancer. In fact, 80% of women recalled for a diagnostic mammogram have benign (non-cancerous) conditions. These conditions range from cysts (collections of fluid in the breast) to benign tumors know as fibroadenomas." --Diagnostic Mammogram: What You Should Know

 Don't worry--and you know the song is playing in my head, but that may also be because my anti-anxiety meds kicked in and I am now really ready to fall asleep, both to make the hours till I go in for my diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound this afternoon go by and because my meds have done their job: mellowed me enough so that I'm not stuck in the bathroom for the rest of the day. I was not, trust me, built for the battlefield. My body takes the fight or flight response and opts for the third choice: the Woody Allen choice...

It is so much more likely that the spot seen on my mammogram in April was just a cyst--I have fibrocystic breasts, and so it's nothing, and yet...the nagging worry is there.

It's not just the whole breast thing, either--in a month I go in for an EGD and colonscopy--where, let's be honest, my chances are much higher given my history. And I'm the kind of gal who likes to dread in advance, thank you very much, although I'm old hat at the colonoscopy part and as long as they knock my ass out before they put that stupid green guard in my mouth (I'm highly claustrophobic and have this whole not-liking feeling trapped thing going on) for the EGD, it will be fine and I'll reward myself with a milkshake after...

Getting older beats the alternative, certainly, and screenings are an important part of making sure we get older, but the reality is that the screening itself can cause tremendous anxiety, not just around the test time, but every time you think about it. I think women, who have to get routine pap smears starting at 18 are more accustomed to this since we spend our adult lives having our lady bits subjected to screenings, screenings that are invasive and uncomfortable.

So to lessen the anxiety, we will go to various lengths. Some of us avoid the screenings alltogether. Others with high risks for various cancers may go heavy proactive and have the body part removed. Others go through the screenings faithfully, sucking up the anxiety as the price of doing business, and others strategically calculate how long they can go between screenings and still be "safe."

Don't worry--it's the right approach, but a hard one to take when your brain overrides your logic centers and chooses to activate your emergency centers. It makes for a bumpy ride, certainly, so I think the don't worry card should come with a supply of chocolate, hard liquor and Imodium.

UPDATE: After the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound (and redo of the ultrasound), the radiologist determined that I need to have a needle biopsy performed, so I'm waiting for my doctor to get the report, order it, and to get scheduled for the next stage in this odyssey.

Happy Mother's Day!

 

Building Foundations

The most important thing we can do for our children is help them build a strong foundation of beliefs about the world and how it works and where their place is in it so that when the hard times come they won't get knocked down and when they do get knocked down, they'll be able to get back up. Because they will get knocked down. It's not our job to protect them from the world forever, because that will not make them strong people when we are no longer there to intercede.

If we force a foundation on them, and it isn't one they have built, they will be ill-equipped.

So we have to offer them the net beneath their own foundation building, and that net is critical thinking and reasoning skills, which will help them build their own self-efficacy skills. I don't want my kids to feel good about themselves because I sing them praises. I want them to feel good about themselves because they know they can handle themselves.

While we have an obligation to protect our children from harm--we must stand between them and those who would harm them, we still have to teach them that there are people who would harm them and how to deal with it when we aren't there.

And, perhaps, existentially most important of all, we need to equip them with the tools to process loss. This is an ongoing process, and one that is just plain hard.

The kids have experienced the loss of several pets, they've all read novels where characters are lost, watched the Disney movies where character's parents are killed off, seen Star Trek Wrath of Khan, watched the ninth Doctor undergo regeneration...

We've talked through all of these experiences, used novels, movies, tv shows to discuss the death of people...it still doesn't make it easier.

We're watching MASH with them, and Rick and I initially discussed skipping the episode where Henry Blake is killed in a plane crash. The girls love MASH, and it provides tremendous teaching opportunities about people and flaws, about redemption, forgiveness, and the unspeakable horrors of what man can inflict on man, while still providing a sanitized experience. In tandem, we are watching documentaries about the Korean War, watching survivors tell their stories, seeing old men still tear up when discussing the loss of a buddy. And we're talking throughout that, too. 

Last night was finally the night we reached that episode--one I only saw once--and one that has stood out in my mind for decades. We didn't warn them that Henry would die. We let it unfold because sometimes surprise and the experience itself needs to happen organically. 

And they cried, bless their hearts. And we held them as they cried, and we talked about it, about why the writers chose to have Blake be killed, why a little bit of realism, that 1 in 9 soldiers were wounded or killed there, that 5 MILLION people were killed in the Korean conflict, and that in order to even begin to comprehend that, writers had to make us hurt, had to make it personal. Blake's death does that.

And then the girls and I did some foundation building, or at least shifted from doing the foundation building to talking about how we were doing that and why. Lily wanted to know why it hurt when fictional characters died in stories, and that was an interesting, important conversation. We talked about how it allowed for a safe rehearsal of sadness and loss, how it was a preparation for real loss, but that it didn't even come close to the experience of real loss.

Lily and I talked much longer last night, long past what Rosie wanted--Rosie took her answers and went to bed to process it. Lily wanted to explore and make sense of it all. 

Make sense of it all. We never make sense of it. And that's a truth I shared, that the loss will never make sense, will always feel a little unreal, but that there are ways to feel close to the one we've lost. Dreams. Photos. Stories. Perfumes, trinkets, favorite meals...so many way to stay connected to those we've lost.

And because I'm me, when it came to a discussion of heaven and afterlifes, I shared Pascal's Wager in an extremely simplified form and the concept of self-fulfilling prophecy.

In the end, all I can do is educate and inform my children--give them the building blocks. They will have to build their own foundations, and those foundations may look very different than my own. That's okay. It's their foundation. Their rock. It's what will allow them to keep taking one step forward. I will also keep teaching them that this foundation building is never done, never complete, that we keep building our foundations throughout our lives.

I owe them this: the tools, the tricks, the tips so that they are on solid ground of their own making and choosing.

Manifestos and Position Statements, or Things I Just Wanted to Say

My facebook friends list is diverse.

I have atheist friends, Christian friends, pagan friends, agnostic friends, and perhaps just plain old apathetic friends.

I have Republican friends, Democratic friends, Libertarian friends, Tea Party friends, and friends who aren't sure what the hell is going on.

I have skeptic friends, gullible friends, fallible friends, and friends who like to share conspiracy theories and pass along urban legends that a snopes search would have done the trick.

I have friends who are science-based on some things, yet not on other things. I have friends who aren't science-based on anything.

I have friends who are against guns. I have friends who think everyone should be packing. And I have friends who don't seem to care much either way.

I have friends who are gay, transgendered, bisexual, asexual, and straight hetero. I have friends who believe two people who love each other should be able to marry, and I have friends who believe marriage is between one man and one woman.

I have friends who love sci-fi and friends who think sci-fi is for geeks and nerds and would rather watch Bachelor and the Voice.

I have friends who share pit bull pictures and advocate for the breed, and I have friends who share cat pictures.

I have friends of every color, race, creed, religious belief, political belief, and any other type of belief.

It can be dizzying to watch my facebook feed. I like and care about all these facebook friends, and so I try to be very careful what I put up on my facebook wall, in my statuses and in what I share because I don't want to mess with someone's day in a bad way.

I know, that's weird, right? I've seen so many facebook friends defend their right to share their truths on their walls. And I agree, they should be sharing their truths. If I get offended, that's my problem, and for the most part I don't. There are words that make me cringe, and not everyone is nice all the time, but...

I don't think we have to share the same beliefs, opinions, or preferences. I think mutual respect for each other and support is a good thing, a necessary thing, so I don't feel the need to point out each and every  time I disagree with someone--I don't think people put their truths up so someone can come along and slam them. It's not really relevant if I disagree with a person's facebook status, you know? At least most of the time.

But, if you were wondering where I was on any of those things, here you go:

I believe that people should be able to be who they are. That means I support the right for gay people to be gay, trans people to be trans, and Eddie Izzard to be his wonderful self, regardless of whether that means he's in full drag, partial drag, or totally masculine. I think two individuals should be able to marry. Period.

I accept that some individuals prefer polyandrous/polygamous relationships, and while that's not my cup of tea, if it isn't hurting anyone, what's it to me what happens in someone else's bedroom as long as everyone is of a consenting age and willing?

I don't hate Obama. I don't love Obama. I don't know him, so I'm not sure why I have to feel anything in particular about him. I respect the presidency. I'm not a democrat or a republican, and I vote for individuals based on the person him or herself, not the political party affiliation.

I think our government is frakked up right now, that the presidency has over the last two decades taken on powers that the founding fathers never intended it to have and that our congress is ineffectual and seriously messed up. I'm not too sure about our Supreme Court, either. There are judges who are seriously flawed when it comes to personal integrity and I doubt their capacity to set aside their political biases to look clearly at the cases in front of them and how the constitution should be interpreted.

I think that euthanasia is a bad idea at the idea level and the personal level, although I think there are situations where the medical industry has so interfered with the natural process of dying that it is a travesty.

I believe people have a right to decide what goes into their body, and to decide when their time has come, although I think suicide because of despair is a travesty.

I wouldn't have an abortion, but I respect women's right to make medical decisions. I'm against late term abortions as I believe that a fetus that is viable with medical assistance is a baby and should be protected. But I think that, again, is between a woman and her doctor, and that the state when it gets involved in medical decisions, tends to fuck it up.

I think our education system is seriously screwed up and that we, as a nation, are failing our children and ourselves. I think teaching to a test destroys children's innate curiosity. I think that K-12 is mostly about warehousing and that the state is too deeply enmeshed in our personal lives and that our personal liberties are being taken away from us, a little bit at a time, in the hopes that we won't notice just how regulated our lives are by the various governments we live under.

I believe that faith in a higher power is not a testable hypothesis and therefore falls outside of science. But I also believe that being educated in the history of the various world religions and how they came into being and how they have changed over the centuries would go a long way in educating people out of their religions. And if that happened, maybe fewer people would be killing people in the name of their particular god. But I think believing in a higher power and nurturing one's spiritual side is a good thing.

I think racism, ableism and ageism are deeply entrenched and incredibly wrong, and will take an active willingness to always be ready to examine our beliefs, thoughts, and actions in order to remedy them.

I think that anger is too easy an emotion to turn to and that compassion takes work but is the only way to make the world a better place.

I also think that if I didn't have this rich diversity of facebook friends with all their different personalities and belief systems playing out before me each day that I would be more rigid, less accepting of other's beliefs. I think exposure to diversity inevitably leads to acceptance. We cannot hate who we come to know and relate to. And I think that was what Battlestar Galactica was trying to say all along. :)